Tuesday, July 5, 2016

I Hope That You Don't Meet Her for a Long, Long Time

4/7/16
___________________

You're a big brother now
Like we always hoped you'd be
Your little sister's beautiful
I with the two of you could meet

You'd be turning five this month
And starting school this year
You'd be old enough to hold her
To kiss away her tears

You could teach her all about the world
Show her how to play and run
Protect her, hug her, fight with her
And give her lots of love

I'm sure that you would see her if you could
I'm sure that you would be here if you could

Yeah, We Can Go to Italy

8/6/16
_____________________________

I'm sorry
For being so guarded
For telling you "nothing"
When you ask what I'm thinking
For using sarcasm
To avoid talking about how I feel
But I am just
So, so scared.
Not because of you.
But because of them
And because of who you used to be.

I'm afraid that I think too much
Feel too much
Am too much
For you to handle
And then you'll leave.
I used to love being "too much"
But I am just
So, so scared
Of you leaving

You say
We'll go to Italy
And Canada
And England.
You say "next year"
Like it's a given.
I wish I was that brave
Because I want that.
I want you
For more than ten months
And I want to admit
That I want that
And maybe start to believe
That it can happen
But I am just
So, so scared.
I'm sorry.

100 Percent

15/6/16
_________________________

Open your mouth but decide not to speak
And all the while just looking at me
But I know exactly what that look means
So much for unadulterated honesty

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

18/5/2014
___________________________

I had a dream
That I found myself
In the forgotten pages
Of a ratty old binder.
But in reality,
I am still gone.
I want to believe
That my identity
Was not just the tormented
Obsession
Of a thirteen-year-old,
But I am unsure.

I am unsure.
21/9/2012
__________________________

When I first saw your daddy
Standing in the doorway
Of that house that I had grown to hate,
Well, that's the moment that my whole life changed.
And when we kissed, I swore it was
The most precious gift sent from above.
(But that was before you came around.)
And every night, I'd look him in the eyes and say,
"Dream of sweetest things. I love you. Goodnight."

It was quite a few months later,
But there you were, and you
Were smaller than a thought inside me
Well, that's the moment that my whole life changed.
And then I knew, I swear, you were
The most precious gift sent from above.
And I waited for the day when
I could look you in the eyes and say,
"Dream of sweetest things. I love you. Goodnight."

When I first learned I'd lost you
On that cold November day,
In that house I'd grown to hate,
Well, that's the moment that my whole life changed.
Heaven had different plans for you,
My most precious gift, my one true love.
And I longer for the days when I thought
I'd be able to look you in the eyes and say,
"Dream of sweetest things. I love you. Goodnight."

When I first saw your Daddy
Waiting in my heart,
A broken hole that I had grown to hate,
Well, that's the moment that my whole life changed.
And now, I know for sure, this is
The most precious gift sent from above--
Eternity with God and you.
Now I'm still waiting for that when
I can look you in the eyes and say,
"Dream of sweetest things. I love you. Goodnight."
20/7/2012
_______________________

Hello, Ana. How have you been?
I liked our talks. What happened to them?
A year must've gone by since then,
And frankly, I miss my best friend.
Ana, can you help me through?
I've been gaining weight since I left you.
I need advice. What should I do?
I've been so lonely without you.
19/7/2012
________________________

I'm sick of seeing all these people coming up to me
Calling out my name, saying they know what's really best for me
They don't even care
That I'm trying to make some sense of what this world has given me.
Counting all the pieces of what is barely left of me.
How is this fair?